Mehhh! So what?

I am a generally placid and calm person. Or as some would say "simple minded" However, a blossoming bed of angst has been growing inside of me for quite some time that has only been expounded by recent events. So if you usually come here for my senseless observations, you might want to look away, because this could get ugly. I have decided this as the day I unleash a vile diatribe on an unsuspecting blog.

As long as I could remember I have had a keen interest in mechanical items, motorized machines and mostly cars. When most kids were doing normal things like dating or just hanging out, I was either fixing cars, driving cars or looking at cars. Simply stated, I like cars.

When I was 11 or 12 I was in our back yard jumping on the trampoline. It was fall, the air was crisp the leaves were changing as the trees prepared to cast off their green summer coats and scoff winter with their scraggly nude bodies. my skyward bounds were interrupted by a mystical howl that smacked of tire melting, drive line snapping grunt, ungoverned, needle pegging speed possibilities and just a hint of rage. At the time it sounded like a race car growling out retching threats to the neighbors. I leaped off of the trampoline and ran around to the front of the house looking for a stickered four wheeled Thoroughbred sitting in the driveway. Instead I saw a giant, brown four door land yacht parked in the driveway. The thing was a cesspool of ugly. White vinyl top, whitewall tires and the rest was dirt brown. I gaped in surprise. My brother was perched behind the steering wheel. He spotted me, smiled, started the car and revved it a few times for me. My amazement persisted. How could such harmonious beauty, purr out of such a detestable beast? I later learned to look past the exterior of the car and see it for the beauty that it was a four door 1971 Cutlass, or as it is still fondly referred to at my house "Labamba". My brother sold it, but I was able to own the same great car several years later. It began my infatuation with the GM A-body style car. The A-body hosted what I would consider the pinnacle of the muscle car era. The Pontiac GTO, Buick Skylark, Buick GSX, Oldsmobile cutlass, Oldsmobile 442, Chevy malibu, and the chevelle were all constructed off of this body style. All of them gorgeous. All of them offered with engine pakcages crammed with horsepower and torque. GM owned Chevrolet, Buick, Pontiac and Oldsmobile. They allowed each division to design configurations based on the A-body with their own specific engines. Each division saw it as a challenge to make a better, faster car than the others. It was a great time in the American auto industry. GM Realized, for a brief moment what the public wanted.

The good times didn't last long. The chips and salsa ran out the mariachi band ran out of songs the economy in America began to slow and we had an oil crisis. The big 3 auto companies, GM, Ford and American Motors begin suffering from new emissions legislation. cars got smaller, less powerful and more cheaply made. I can't think of a single American car made from 1974 to even 1989 that I could honestly say "Now that's a great car!" Nope. They were all crap. The big 3 seemed to lethargically pump out sub-standard mediocrity.

The government began regulating more heavily safety and emissions. American car manufacturers responded half heartedly, lobbied heavily against all of the mandates and skimmed along only meeting the minimal requirements.

Additionally, Detroit began to become laden with unions that drove up price of production and made the car manufacturers less competitive to global competitors. After 9/11 the economy slowed and car sales began to sputter. However, union workers for GM went on strike demanding more health insurance and better pay. Motions such as this demonstrated that the unions were not interested in the well being of the company that fed them, because they were too obsessed with their own problems. In effect hobbling more their race horse. Because of this Detroit began purchasing as much foreign parts as their unions will allow them. Japanese manufacturers on the other hand have built U.S. Factories to increase their domestic parts content. They have done so with a non unionized labor force and therefore are able to remain competitive.

Every car sold today has a domestic parts content label on the window sticker. You can look and tell how much a car is made domestically. Ironically, If I were to go buy a mustang, 65% of it is produced in the U.S. A Toyota Camry is 80% domestic. Buying American no longer necessarily means buying a Ford, GM or Chrysler.

In 2002 on the 35th anniversary of the Chevy Camaro, Chevrolet announced it was no longer producing their most historical car citing lagging sales. That is when I was done with GM. For years they had produced lack luster and boring cars. I could almost hear them mumble in monotone voices "And for this year we are making a... (drum roll) a car. it has wheels. buy it." What did they expect? Almost as if they were punishing their loyal fan base they yanked away the camaro. One time I went with my sister to an easter egg hunt. At the end of the Easter egg hunt, my nephew had a huge armful of plastic eggs filled with candy and money. He got frustrated, began crying and threw all of his easter eggs down. Kids scampered from everywhere and picked up the now dropped eggs. He looked around at his disappearing eggs and began crying more. This is the mental image I have of GM. As soon as GM dropped the camaro, Ford hired on Carrol Shelby and redesigned their new mustangs. Carrol Shelby could spit on the floor and it would look awesome (and probably have 400 horsepower) I Absolutely love the new mustangs. Although they haven't capitalized on the idea yet, I think they are starting to get it.

In 1992 Dodge reinvented itself and began production of the Dodge viper by taking a V-10 truck engine, sending it off to Lamborghini to have them tinker with it a bit and them cramming it in a beautifully styled two seat sports car. The car turned a lot of heads and brought thousands of people to the Dodge dealerships with money in hand. I don't think much of those sales were of Vipers themselves. I think it was the idea of driving something that looked similar to the viper. Most of the new dodge cars had the same iconic four square grills. The trucks were redesigned and looked similar to a Mac semi truck. Car and truck sales turned the corner for Dodge. For a brief moment they got it.

Speaking from a completely biased and untested theory, as this whole entry is, I think Americans like our Japanese cars for what they are, fuel efficient, extremely reliable, good cars. That is what they have always been and that reputation is what is saving them now. in this market, that is what we want, a car that is cheap to run, sips gas and has a high resale value.

European cars take a small portion of the market, but will always maintain their status as a car for the more affluent. Such as Lamborghinis, Ferraris, BMWs, Jaguars, Lotus', Volvos and the Volkswagons somewhat fit in this category.

Korean cars are sure trying. They make a cheap car that is fairly reliable. Their reputation isn't quite as good as it should be, so they will keep trying.

When I look at ads for new American cars, the pictures are always somewhat ethereal. Panels and windshields are just a bit too shiny to be real. Backgrounds are blurred. Their are no distinguishing features between any of them. It is more monotone "Look here. It is a car. buy it. It has a steering wheel. buy it." They have forgotten what works. They have proved they can't or refuse to compete with Japanese reliability. So I say abandon that notion. Go with what works. Make some fantastically insane car that has a thousand or so horsepower. You will only sell a couple thousand, so what? People will come into the show room with dreams and aspirations of that juggernaut car. Send them out the door with a more affordable but well styled car. People will say "is that they new Ford Freakshow?" and they will say "Nah, it is called "my pretty pony" but it has the same shift knob as the Freakshow" and people will go "WOWWW! AWESOME!!!!" Americans love power. We have proved that with the SUV craze. They are totally ridiculous. larger than we ever need. 99% of them never go off-road and are ever used for anything more than a single occupant car. But we love them. Make a car that has some crazy capabilities that we will never use. It's the idea that we could do that whatever thing if we wanted to, but we probably never will. Make it amphibious. Give it panels that make it suitable for atmospheric re entry. give it a bubble and a turret where you could in theory, mount a machine gun. Make it transform into a robot at a push of a button... Blow our minds with fantastic and stupid things. We will all come running from our Hondas and toyotas like kids to an ice cream truck. We like to say we are civilized and want to save the planet and our money, but when offered a car that comes apart, turns into a riding lawn mower a massaging lounge chair a wood chipper a dishwasher a power sprayer a vacuum cleaner and a death ray gun. We will take the converting car... with the racing stripes please... oh and cup holders that preferably holds a 96 ounce drink.

But you blubbering, lazy self serving imbeciles in Detroit don't get it. You show up in Washington in corporate luxury jets asking for money on the tail end of a bank bailout... after representatives just returned from their home towns where they were grilled and blasted for giving any money out in the first place. Bad timing, bad form. I hope you all go into bankruptcy. I do. Maybe you can shed some of your unions, rethink your strategies and begin drawing up plans for that car a car that levitates and can radiate a shockwave that will blow out every window and cause short term hearing damage to everyone/thing in a one block radius.