Glitter, just say no!

Today when we went to church we were a good 20 minutes early. As usual in our ward, 20 minutes early still doesn't afford you a seat on a soft bench. That's frustrating, because Ungermans on time is a shocking event. Ungermans 20 minutes early is apocalyptic in scale. A feat we have pulled off several times recently which is even more amazing.

We nervously strolled down the aisles to find every empty aisle reserved with books. Finally we found an row unoccupied with one single caveat, it had apparently become the victim of a senseless glitter bomb. There was glitter everywhere on the bench and on the floor. We reluctantly took the seats knowing that the rest of the day we would be sparkling like a diamond necklace. Or at least our butts would be.

The incident punctuated my contempt for glitter. I have a friend who used to clean a school. The teachers out right banned glitter because it is worse than cancer. It gets on everything and the next thing you know, you are standing in the shower picking glitter out of your belly button saying "Now-- how did glitter get in there?"

In today's legislative laden society, I think we should outlaw the public use of glitter. In my opinion, it is worse than public farting. It spreads quicker and the effects are much more damaging and long lasting.

If you gave me a choice between an IRS audit and a letter with glitter in it. I would pick the audit every time.

Fort Knox. Allegedly one of the most secure areas in the world. If they really wanted to protect all of that gold, I would think all they would have to do is sprinkle the stacks of gold with glitter. and go ahead and leave the place unguarded and the front door wide open. Thieves would walk in, see all of the glitter and mutter in disgust "Oh! They have glitter everywhere! It isn't worth it! Let's go! If we get this U-haul back before 6:00 maybe we can get a partial refund."