I was pondering an exercise that I can not seem to wrap my head around the joy of it.
Running.
I have given this past time an honest shake and... I am at a complete loss of words as to why people do this as an excercise. Even an exercise people enjoy! If you are a runner... please tell me the secret to euphoria, not so that I will want to join you, but that I will stop praying for your soul every time I see you haphazardly clomping down the street, red-faced, out of breath looking like you are a few heartbeats short of death. I always think back to the movie Back to the Future III. Where Marty is in the old western bar telling all of the cowboys about the track team he is part of back home. One of them blurts out "Running! What the HELL kinda fun is running?" And they all burst out laughing at the absurd idea. When I have run in the past, I receive the following onslaught of symptoms:
- Persistant pain in my feet.
- excruciating pain in my legs.
- Agonizing pain in my knees.
- debilitating stomach cramps.
- My lungs burn and my throat feels like it is being scorched by the very winds of Hell!
- My head pounds as my brain bounces around in my skull.
- My back aches like I have been laboring on the railroad, all the live long day.
Every fiber of my being chants to the pounding beat of my heart in rhythmic accord "STOP! STOP! STOP!..."
Don't get me wrong, I think running has a great purpose and design. When I see an angry bull charging me... or Donny Osmond... I RUN!!! And I am grateful I can run! But, to just run to run? I get these flashbacks of my gym coach wearing a white polo shirt, green sweats pulled up to his nipples and a whistle dangling around his neck as he stood by the track screaming at us "Run faster wimps! My grandma runs faster than you maggots!" Curiously though, I never saw him run.
After shouting a few demeaning comments at us, he would disappear to his office and pour over pictures of him in high school when he was on the football team... and marinate in the memory of the time he threw the touchdown pass and after the game Cindy Jones from the cheerleading squad gave him a hug and said he was "Awesome!" He would would caress his cheek where she had kissed him and as a tear dripped off of his nose, his face would turn red and he would slam a fist on his desk, stand up quickly, and shout "I AM AWESOME! Cindy said I was once! Now let's go crack some pre-pubescent skulls and he would storm out to the track and sputter out a barrage of belittling comments.
I don't know if you realize this but Marathon derives from the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek soldier, who was sent from the town of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon. It is said that he ran the entire distance without stopping and burst into the Senate, exclaiming "Νενικήκαμεν" (Nenikékamen, 'We have won' or 'We are victorious') before collapsing and dying of exhaustion.
Only a group of runners would gather around that poor dead soldier, smile to one another and exclaim "That was awesome! Can you believe he ran the whole way and DIED! We should try that!"
After talking to several runners who have run marathons they all share similar stories of chaffed nipples, loosing toenails, puking, wetting themselves some have even defecated themselves. Can you see how I am missing the boat on how this is fun? I present this as my evidence... now, it is your turn runners... Help me understand your tormented and pained world. Thank you!
Hello?…Hello?…Is this thing on?
9 years ago
5 comments:
First of all, let me say that I am NOT a runner, nor would I ever want to aspire to the lofty realm of "runner", but I am a schmuck who tries to run every now and them. I guess I do it for two main reasons.
#1 I like it when I get that rumbling feeling in my stomach and then finally things give way and I'm able to pass gas for the next quarter mile. You can totally get away with it too....people look at you and think to themselves...that is disgusting and 'dude' is a total pig, but he is running and that might be his final gift to the world, then they pass me a glance that seems to say, "Go on man, let er fly." This is so much more satisfying when you are running outside as opposed to a treadmill. Passing gas while running outside is like the guy who hits the NOS button in his pimped out car, giving you that little boost to leave everyone else in your wake. The treadmill can be satisfying as well if there is proper ventilation, but more often than not, you end up marinating yourself in your own stench for the next 5 minutes.
#2 I can't help but think to myself, "By damn, if Forrest Gump can run...and love it....I can to". And so, I just keep runnin' and runnin'. I have never had the chance to run right out of my leg braces though (mostly because I don't have leg braces...but still). I know I will have reached the pinnacle of running greatness when I look down at my shirt after grinding out 4 excruciating miles, and I'm able to see sweat marks that look like a smiley face. But for now, I'll have to deal with the fact that it looks more like some giant nipples with a huge bladder control problem.
I guess if I'm being totally honest, there isn't a lot of joy in running for me. I am like you, I ache when I run and I ache even more when I'm done. It is slightly satisfying to be able to go for the obligatory run and be able to finish...however, I think being able to finish a hamburger the size of my dinner plate would hold the same satisfaction.
I guess for now, I'll just keep trotting along, sweating like a whore in church and passing gas...most likely from the giant hamburger I ate the night before.
I love that line!!! Everytime Nicole and I drive past someone running, we look and each other and say "Runnin, what the HELL kinda fun is that!!"
I'm with you. Running for fun is not real. I have spoken to a few people about running and working out in general, and when it comes down to it they all tell me they don't really like it they just do it to to do. Then I usually make some kind of comment that makes them feel like less of a person and go on my merry way.
I do have an alternative. Sports. Playing basketball with some friends is fun because I"M DOING SOMETHING. I'm also running but I for get about it because I'm focused on the game. Also there is nothing funnier than watching a defender run smack into your invisible defense that makes it hard to breath and their eyes water as the air you have pushed out of your butt fills their lungs. Traditionally they have been referred to as SBD. However I recently became aware of the term "ninja" because you do not hear them and they can kill you. So I like to think that as I play my little ninjas are helping as some one struggles to dribble through my "Ninja Cloud"
So I guess to answer your question. Yes the cowboys in Back to the Future III where right.
I run.
I like to listen to Cake while I run.
Their inexplicable lyrics distract me from whatever unpleasantness I might be enduring as my mind is kept busy trying to find the meaning in their off cadence of random thoughts.
I've logged quite a few miles in my day, so I'm qualified to respond here. I run because:
1) It's really efficient exercise. I'll burn nearly 600 calories and get a great workout in about 40 minutes.
2) I don't have to have much equipment or organize people or have any skills to get this exercise. Logistically, it's the easiest form of exercise there it.
3) I love the feeling of satisfaction I get when the run is over. I know running isn't super fun, so having logged some miles is an accomplishment each and every time.
All that being said, running sucks. I hate every mile and every step while I'm doing it. I hate my training runs and I'll hate running the Boston Marathon next year, should I get that opportunity.
Post a Comment