Cottonelle...oh how I love thee!!!

I just got back from 3 day business trip from Santa Barbara and felt it relevant to discuss an unsavory subject. I will try to keep the discussion of this dirty business, clean as possible. While away my fondness of Cottonelle flush able wipes was re-affirmed. I was introduced to them several years ago. A coworker and good friend came back from Iraq. On one occasion as I was asking him about his experiences there he told me how they had a lawn chair with a circle cut out of the seat and then re-enforced with duct tape. When certain pressures in the bowels increased which required relief, they set up the lawn chair and cleaned up using Cottonelle wipes. As he described the cooling and cleansing effect on his posterior, his face melted into an exquisitely serene smile of fondness. I asked more about these wipes and he issued a challenge He said "Get some of these wipes and the next time you wipe, clean up as good as you can with just toilet paper and then follow up with cottonelle wipes." I took him up on his challenge. To be honest I was horrified at the gross amounts of matter left behind by just toilet paper. I realized how archaic our toilet paper system was. we have cars that recognize individuals and automatically adjust controls to the persons preferences, toothbrushes that clean ultrasonically, carry credit card sized computers that store an entire library full of music, yet we still barely control our fecal hygiene with a wadded up ball of thin ply wood pulp? I have often heard the french criticized for their lack of hygiene, but, even they have boudoirs! I ate a lot while I was gone and just like what goes up, must come down... what goes in, must come out. I had the opportunity to sample many restroom facilities in hotels, airports and restaurants. 3 days without using my beloved cottonelle wipes. I did shower everyday but subconsiously I wondered if I was that guy that when I walked by, people would glare at each other, pinch their noses and silently mouth the words "He stinks like POO!", to each other. Then when I turn around they look at me and innocently smile as if nothing was going on. I rarely endorse anything, or support any widespread social reform, but if I could have this product placed in every home and every restaurant and every hotel and every airport, I can see nothing but positive results! And that is why I am announcing my candidacy for president based on this platform! for the (I don't know what political party. I was going to insert some joke here about a political party that used the ass (of the donkey variety) for their mascot... but one of them already uses that one, and they are serious about their mascot. So they ruined it all for me! what a buncha asses! now this isn't even funny! CRAP! And that's all I wanted to clean up here!)