One more thing

I can tell you are a person of superior intellect and extremely web savvy. How do I know this? You are here, reading this silly. Deductive logic dictates that you are sharp witted, classy and possess an affinity for the finer things in life as all of my readers are.

I however wish I were more like you dear reader. I am slow witted, often become confused and distracted by shiny lights and sparkly objects and am plagued with frail thought processes.

Last week I detailed a few things I do not like. Allow me to add another item to my dislike list. Drive-thrus. Let's explore a typical drive-thru experience for me.

Driving down the road in the car. From the back Walker says "Dad, I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonalds?" to which Mandy replies "No, you didn't eat anything last time I took you there" and I add "Besides that, you just want to go inside and play in the play area and that McDonald's doesn't even have a play area AND I HATE McDonald's food"

Suddenly there is a whining noise that sounds like a wind-up siren on an antique fire truck "DaaaAAAAADDDDDD! I'm zursty" (Shelby's way of saying "thirsty") I look over at Mandy "What do you want to do?" She portrays the most realistic look of despair that she can manage "I don't know? I'm pretty hungry too. Do you want to stop real quick and get something?" Then she begins bouncing in her seat so fast it is almost like a vibration as she claps her hands "And maybe -- we could get some ice cream!" Her eyes flare really big like the heavens were parted and she just caught a glimpse of an angelic choir serenading her. The smile stays fixed on her face like someone sprayed it with super-mega-ultra hairspray, that was designed to hold up the 80's wing style and standing bangs hairdos.

"All right, where do you want to go? We could go to oh -- nevermind, there goes Wendy's. How about Taco Bell?" Mandy says "No, there's nothing there the kids will eat." "Well, Walker has somehow lived to the age of 8 on just scraps of candy that he could beg off of strangers and tubs of yogurt." I add. "Well there's..." "No" Mandy interrupts. "Or there's..." "Uh uh!" I reply. Finally we decide on a destination. Joe's dead animal grill and/pet salon. Home of the free burger with every doggy bath.

As usual we are pressed for time, so the drive-thru is the only option. The car hasn't completely rolled to a stop and I am frantically scanning the menu for something edible. "Welcome to Joe's would you like to try a dead meat burger with a side of fried mange clippings?" Of course the answer is "No" but there is that awkward social moment where I don't know if I should acknowledge the question or just pretend they asked me if they could help me. I sigh and reply "No I would not like a dead meat burger with a a side of mange clippings" The autonomous speaker in the menu garbles out "Would you? Could you? in a box?" I shake my head angrily "No! I don't want a burger, or green eggs and ham or fried mange clippings! Just ask me if you can help me and we can get on with this!" Slowly the speaker in the menu says "Can I help you?" Or at least that is what I think it said. It sounded more like Charlie Brown's parents than anything. Having waded through the formalities of the process I proceed to my next step. "No you can't help me! I haven't even looked at the menu yet! How's somebody supposed to just drive up and know what they want? Do you honestly get that many return customers that they have your menu memorized and know what they want before they even veer into your drive thru? Are there that many sadistic and wantonly suicidal people out there that consume your food on a regular basis?" The voice behind the menu is silent for a few seconds "Go ahead and order when you are ready" "Thank you!" I reply. "What was that? You want a number 2?" the speaker says "NO! I said 'THANK YOU'!" Another pause from the voice "Sir" The voice continues in a nasaly drone "I have every right to refuse you service for talking inappropriately to me" "NO!" I giggle with a frustrated twitch "I said T-H-A-N-K YOU!" Another pause "Sir, you don't have to talk so loudly. I can hear you just fine. Are you ready to order?" "No, I haven't even looked at your menu! Give me a minute please!"

By this time 3 cars have pulled up in line behind me. I can see the driver of the car behind me glancing at his watch. He looks nervous and tense like he only has 30 seconds to eat something or he will expire and deflate into a lifeless goo on the floorboard of his car.

Nothing looks good. The number 7 looks palatable. But for $8.99 for the "value" meal? I look at the price of the sandwich alone, the toasted toenail clippings that come as a side, and the price of a drink individually and add them up to see if I can just save money by ordering them separately. "Have you had a chance to decide yet?" the menu says to me "No, just one more minute" I can hear the person with the headset taking orders say quietly to another coworker "This guys like taking forever! What kind of moron doesn't know what to order? Just look at the menu and order something!"

I glance in my rear view mirror. There are 12 cars lined up behind me. One of the cars has Jack Bauer and McGyver in it. They both have ticking bombs in their laps and are looking hopelessly at me because apparently the only way to disarm their bombs is with a dead meat burger, no onions, extra mustard. The gravity of the situation begins to weigh heavily on me. I can feel the fate of the planet is weighted on my prompt decision here. Nothing looks good, so I spew out the first number I think of "42!" The menu asks "What drink would you like with that?" In my frazzled state of mind I had neglected to even read their drink menu. I scan, scan again and yet a third time. I don't see any drinks on the menu. I stammer out "Uh... the red one!" I secretly hope it is a fruit drink, artificially flavored fruit drink or even flavor that is inspired by fruit flavor. I curse myself because I realize you can get Coke anywhere, even at Joe's dead meat shack and pet salon.

Satisfied I prepare to pull forward until it occurs to me that I am only 1/4 the way complete with my order. Fortunately Mandy usually knows what she wants. There are usually strange requests with her order and I try to talk her out of them because I don't think they will do it, and I am usually wrong. "Um, I would like, um, a steamed squirrel salad... and some Fettuccine sauce... on the side. In a mickey mouse cup" I glare over at her and whisper "They won't have fettuccine sauce and they certainly won't have a Mickey Mouse cup!" She bats her eyelids at me and simply says "Just ask" And so I do and they respond like everyone that comes through orders that.

Then I move on to the kids. They look around like they didn't even notice we were at a fast food restaurant. "What? Can we go inside and play in the play area?" They ask. "No! They don't have a play area! Now do you want boiled foam shaped like drumsticks that are lightly breaded or do you want the hot dog that I am afraid is really dog meat?" "What toy does it come with?" They ask "GR...pft...IKGHT..." Is all I can say. By now my face is bright red and a vein is bobbing to the beat of my heart on one side of my head. There are now over 37,000 cars behind us waiting. They guy right behind us has died and Jack Bauer and McGyver have left their bombs in the car and can now be plainly seen running each in different directions as fast as they can before their bombs explode.

The menu says "What else can I get for you?" "And I'll take two orders of the kids chicken couch foam thingys, both of them with Sprite" I say "We don't have Sprite" "7-up?" I plead "No" "Fine just give me the clear carbonated stuff that has lots of sugar in it. The kids will like that" The menu replies "OK, so that's our Kaboom high potency energy drinks" I look over at Mandy "Is that the drink that has more caffeine than 163 cups of coffee?" She shrugs back. I look back at the menu "Uh, yeah sure, whatever" "OK, that'll be $187.34 at the first window" I look back at Mandy as I put the car in drive "Did he just say $187.34?" From the back seat I hear "I don't like chicken foam drumsticks!"