Home improvements to home decoration

I had the opportunity to go to Lowe's to pick up some lumber today.  

I forgot it was a holiday until I pulled into the parking lot and saw it unusually full.   

I don't know if it was the holiday that brought out a different crowd of patrons than the usual. The usual being (at least in lumber) :

The seasoned pro - Usually male.  Typically adorned in well worn work boots, tattered, stained and sometimes ripped jeans and a t-shirt that usually displays a logo of either a tool company or building supply or home builder on it.  The pace is brisk.  He's been here a thousand times before.  He knows what he needs and where to find it.  He has an account at the contractor desk that he is going to bill this purchase to. 

The weekend warrior - Most often pudgy from working a desk job.  knows somewhat about building.  knows generally what he is looking for.  Might not know the exact location, but knows the general vicinity of products.  May stop occasionally to browse products he has not learned about.

The bumbling bafoon - (This is the one that scares me) This guy has no idea.  This guy is the reason I have a warning on my toaster that tells me not to insert a fork.  This is the guy trying on a pair of safety glasses and testing them out by hitting his face with a chisel.  I can see in his cart he has a 6 pack of duct tape, a nail gun,  a 250 ft roll of 10 gauge electrical wire,  a chainsaw and an over the stove microwave.   For whatever reason he is examining a sheet of corrugated steel and is asking an associate how fire proof he thinks it is.  Thankfully the bafoon is rare and none of them live by me, because I am sure their house is on the constant verge of blowing up or burning down, by about a dozen independent "projects".

Today I noticed a new crowd in the lumber department.  This is the zealous husband and the concerned/bored wife combo.  I don't know if they are sparse enough that I have never noticed them before, but today I couldn't even find a lumber cart because the area was FULL of them.  I had a GREAT time observing.  Here we had the husband eagerly plucking items off of the rack and tossing them on the cart.  He scampered from one rack to the next picking out the best pieces he could find and returned to the cart with his prize.  His eyes were bright and sparkly.  He was like a squirrel unleashed in a nut factory.  hurriedly dashing around excitedly picking out his hearts desire with reckless abandon.  Meanwhile the wife stood guard over the cart.  Her eyes were vacant and glazed.  Absolutely bored by the entire situation.  She had no clue what her hubby was up to.  Didn't know how this was going to make a shed/spare bedroom/entertainment center.  Occasionally she would blink and life would return to her stare and she would scowl at the cart, mentally calculate the cost and attempt to set torch to her husband with a death inferno stare.  He was so busy scurrying he did not notice and she would slowly melt back into the lifeless zombie slowly pushing the cart.  (I have been a member of all four of these categories)

I was amused by this crowd because I have seen a very similar crowd at Tai Pan Trading co.  (OK, I have outed myself.  I admit it!  I shop at Tai Pan!  I enjoy it! It is fun and they have cool things there.  I can assure you that I am not... as they say... limp wristed, light in the loafers, root for the other team.. etc.  As a profession, I am a glorified graphic designer.  I see interior design as the same thing.  The combination of shapes, colors, textures and patterns to create something nice to look at.  I don't see why graphic design is an acceptable male past time and why interior design is not.  So there!  I have said it!)  At Tai Pan I get the addition of watching wives drag around their husbands.  Even if you are not into what they sell there... go there just to watch these men.  It is GREAT!!!  Very similar to the aforementioned  scenario except roles reversed.  The wife is flittering from one item to the next talking in near ultra-sonic bleeps and blips "OH HONEY!"  she chirps "Isn't this cute????"  He stares vacantly back, eyes half mast.  "Yeah" he says. It sounds a lot like a cow saying "Moooooo"  He is hunched over leaning on the cart as much as he can without it rolling away from underneath him.  If he could lay in the cart, he would, because he is already asleep.  NOTHING here is of ANY interest.  His wife could say anything and he would mindlessly repeat something that sounds good.   She could say "Honey!  Let's go to the dealership and buy that new convertible Mercedes I have been eyeing!"  and he would say "Sure".  Generally when the other men in the store spot me pushing around a cart without a wife leading me and I am the one picking out items they look at me like you would expect them to glare at a dude who just showed up to a biker rally wearing a pink boa and high heels and called everything "Fab-you- lussss!!!"

P.S.  This blog brought was fueled by a Double Western Whopper.  Not sure why, but I have been craving Burger King after years of not eating anything from there.  I know the meat is probably ground up eyeballs and boiled floor scraps.  I know each item on their menu has enough sodium, fat, calories and cholesterol to sustain me for the rest of my life.  I know that as soon as I eat the burger my blood pressure must rise as my blood thickens to a gooey margarine like texture.  I know I can literally see myself becoming fatter with each bite.  I know the food isn't that good.  I know that each burger removes a good 6 months off the end of my life.  But, somehow when I put all of the negatives in one column and the fact that I just want to on the positive column.  Somehow they add up and the single item on the positive side adds up to more.  

They put jalepenos in the burger.  It's delicious!