Drivers

Tonight I was driving home and a car passed me.  I saw it coming in my rearview mirror and it was changing lanes by just casually drifting from lane to lane without signaling.  I said to myself "Self, hundred bucks says this driver is limp wrist driver"  When the car passed, I looked over and I was right.  I didn't have a hundred bucks, so I owe myself another hundred.

What is the limp wristed driver? How did I know?  Can I learn to identify drivers too?  Easy there Johnny!  Stay with me and you too can be a professional driver identification personnel (or P.D.I.P) just like me.  I have combined years of observation and hundreds of thousands of miles to form this very informative and highly stereotyping list (hopefully to the point of being offensive) of drivers, and what you can expect from them.

The first, not because they are the most heinous or prevalent, but because I had just mentioned it, are the Limp Wristed driver.  The LWD drives with his arm propped on top of the steering wheel.  This driver is so chill, relaxed and cool that he cannot even be bothered with the laborious task of gripping the steering wheel.  His hand hangs limply from his arm over the back of the steering wheel.  Thus the name "Limp wristed driver" This driver, does everything smoothly and lazily.  a lane change is a smooth drift into another lane.  signaling, is way too much effort.  This driver just flows around like a breeze.  He is chill.  He is relaxed.  He is usually scanning the other cars for the ladies.  He may or may not be a catch.  But to himself, he sure is. This is the type of driver that usually runs head on into a telephone pole while checking out a jogger. I give the LWD his space and don't follow.

Next we have the 9 and 3 driver.  One hand is on the 3 O'Clock position on the steering wheel and the other is on the 9 O'clock position. This driver usually does not use the back rest of their seat.  They are sitting straight up and looking intently on the road ahead.  The visual scan that we learned about in driver's ed is employed here.  Check the road. Check the speed.  Check the mirrors.  Check the road. Check the speed.  Check the mirrors...  This driver scares me.  I figure if it takes that much mental energy, just to safely operate the vehicle, I fear what happens when something other than the ordinary occurs. Think of these drivers as a computer running at full CPU.  When a new application starts.  Everything freezes.  This driver is usually the one that applies full brake pedal when a traffic jam is encountered.  This driver is usually rear ended or else they might panic, swerve and dodge into on coming traffic.  This driver is responsible for your skiddish and erratic driving patterns during rush hour traffic. Stay away from 9 and 3.  Because they are usually going at or below the speed limit, this is easy to do.

The blue hair.  While actually quite rare, we all know a blue hair.  It is the old lady, or sometimes man, who all we see is the top of their head and their eyes peering between the steering wheel and the dash.  They can't see the road, so they just guess based on objects they see whizzing by them in their side windows.  They drive slow and bob back and forth between the lines.  I make sure I pass the blue hair and get safely in front of them.  They often will not see you and will run into the back of you while you are sitting at a traffic light or sign.  Beyond that, the blue hair is basically harmless.

Mommy.  Mommy is usually operating an SUV.  Mommy usually has a DVD playing for her brood of children.  Mommy's windows are smeared with sticky hand prints and the seats of her car have years of french fries stuck between them. Mommy is usually talking on the phone.  Mommy is also oblivious to the fact that she is well exceeding any speed limits.  Mommy usually tail gates because she can just ride the bumper in front of her rather than checking her speed.  You may think Mommy wants to pass you, but if you get over to let her pass, she will slow down and drive next to you.  Mommy can also veer into other lanes as she glances over her shoulder to say "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KIDS WANT NOW? TIMMY STOP HITTING SALLY!  BILLY GIVE JOHNNY HIS TOY BACK!"  Mommy isn't that much of a threat. Mommy just has her attention divided amongst many things.  Just speed up until you encounter another vehicle traveling quickly, get over and Mommy will latch onto the bumper of that car.  Those two will sail on merrily down the road and hopefully find all the speed traps for you.

The Asian.  I don't know what to attribute the Asian driver's habits to.  Culture? Spacial ineptitude? Suicidal tendencies? The Asian can be intimidating until you understand his habits.  You can easily predict the Asian's movements by asking "What would be the most dangerous thing they could do right now?"  Once you identify what that dangerous stunt will be, sit back and watch the Asian perform that very stunt. Drive safely and defensively around the Asian and they will avoid you.  Once you demonstrate safe driving practices, they will move on and look for a much more haphazard situation.

I also find every region of the country has their own driving "culture".  If you find yourself saying "The drivers in Nebraska are crazy!" then you are failing to understand the driving culture of that region. Like the joke about the elderly woman who hears on the news of a driver on the interstate driving the wrong direction on the road.  Panicked, she thinks of her husband who is out travelling in the same area.  Quickly she calls him on his cell phone and warns him of the dangerous driver going the wrong direction, to which he replies "One car going the wrong direction?  They are all going the wrong direction!"

In California I quickly learned that the roads there must be damaged by sunlight or something.  If there was so much as a sliver of light between my front bumper and the car in front of me, someone would slide in and occupy that space. You just get right on that bumper and go.  All traffic moves like a giant snake.

In Utah where I drive, everyone thinks of it as a race.  People in the left lane are the elite.  The competitors.  The champions. The lane to the right of the left lane, those are the non-competitors.  People who are only driving for the sake of getting to a new location.  People in the right lane are merging, exiting or getting paid an hourly salary while on the road.  Sometimes a non-competitor will enter the left lane.  It thereby becomes the responsibility of the other drivers to teach the violating driver and display displeasure by riding their bumper.  In California this is regular driving and therefore California driver's are seen in Utah to be rude, but in fact they are driving they way they were taught to drive, by not letting the road see daylight.  If the offending driver fails to notice their fauxpaux, the drivers will pass on the right as fast as possible and then merge back into the left lane as close to them as possible without actually swiping off their front bumper with your rear bumper.  Most driver's will take the hint and get over at this point.

As you can see, there are many other categorize, sub-categories and hybrid categories. But these are the most identifiable and the most easily dealt with groups.  I hope you find this informative.  Now get out there and drive!