New diet

So I've been thinking. I hear all of this talk about diets and weight loss. Protein diets, vegetarian diets. Some guy says he's gone 70 years without eating.

Hear ye! Hear ye! I've contrived a new diet! There's two parts.

1. Only eat light stuff. Things like angel food cake, bread, whip cream, and Cheetohs. Because, you can count the calories all you want, but there's just no way you can put on more weight than you eat. That's just silly! You can't eat like 5 lbs. of graham crackers and put on 10 lbs. Your body just can't do that. It can't just make fat out of thin air. Plus fat is soft and white and smooshy and oily. something like Cocoa Crunch is dark and crunchy and not soft and not oily. Think of all the extra work your body has to go through to turn that to fat. Your body is lazy and it is going to wait until you eat bacon cheeseburger and turn that into fat... not that kettle corn you are working on.

2. Eat cold stuff. Just think how much energy (energy = burnt calories = weight loss) you need to bring a bowl of ice cream to body temperature. The more ice cream you eat, the more energy it takes to heat up that stuff so that you don't die of hypothermia. In my roughest of estimations, I'll bet it takes all of the calories in ice cream just to digest it. And then you are just left with milk... which is really good for you.

probably the most ideal food is ice cream cake. It is the best of both worlds. Plus you can have the bakery write your name on your cake, so that no one else will eat it.

Happy weight loss everyone!