Dear Tongue

Dear Tongue,

I am writing to inform you that your relentless reign of terror is over. Gone are the days lounging in a hammock whilst being fanned by maidservants with palm fronds and clapping your hands and ordering up whatever your hearts desire like you were a Roman Emperor. "I want you to bring me a 32... 44... no 64 Oz Coke, with a splash of artificial vanilla flavoring, and I want a Kit-Kat. But not a regular Kit-Kat, a king size for a king size appetite like we have! And I want double stack from Wendy's. And since they are $.99, bring me two of them... no THREE of them! and then I want an egg roll with some of that spicy mustard. And to finish it all off, we better eat something healthy, so that our annoying conscience doesn't annoy us. Yogurt is healthy right? Bring me a platter of yogurt of the frozen variety drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with gummy bears. And then we will see how we feel after that"

After marching in lockstep with your relentless orders for nearly 3 years, I have found myself shellacked in a liberal coat of fat. About 30 lbs of fat. The fiddler has arrived and he has an outrageous invoice in hand demanding payment.

Thanks to you, the rest of me is going to have to spend countless hours exercising, toiling, laboring and sweating (but not to the oldies... Sorry Richard).

Consider this the mutiny. The uprising. The angry mob with pitch forks and torches demanding justice. From now on we are replacing the soda with it's puritan cousin water. No more fries. No more pre-bed snacks. No more buffets.

Tomorrow you will be reassigned to your regular duty of talking and aiding in food consumption. We don't really care what your whimsical requests are. You are an egotistical gluttonous monster. Thanks to you, we get winded getting up off of the couch.

If you choose to disobey our demands, the teeth will be ordered to lock you in. Should you try to escape the teeth will have permission to bite you with deadly force.

sincerely,

The rest of the body

P.S. We have all known the whole time that you were imitating the stomach's voice and telling the rest of us what he wanted. We didn't mind... until now. Please disavow yourself of this wretched habit also, or we will ingest a cup full of steaming hot cocoa.