"I smell famous people"

Saturday we were given tickets to go to the state fair. I like to go and count mullets just as much as the next guy, so I was all in. We met Mandy's family there. The fact that we all arrived there within 10 minutes of each other means that we are all either growing up or Mandy's sister Katie is finally having an influence on all of us with her quite persistent nagging. Symbolically you could think of her as the goat herder and the family as goats. Goats that are more like cats, or turtle cats, or turtle cats that are easily distracted by shiny things. Whatever animal that is, is what the family represents. Think of Katie back behind a herd of turtle cats, a constant barrage of obscenities, intermingled with a few directions flowing steadily from her lips. A 20 foot whip masterfully guided in one hand that she sends, cracking over our heads when we stop to look at a pretty shiny thing. Her other hand is scratching her pregnant belly. Usually we are all pitifully late, so this is why I pause in this tale to make note of this rather remarkable event. Actually, now that I think about it, I think Katie was late too, which might have made this event possible, but let's forget that and just marvel at the sheer wonderment of the Larsen clan collecting at a specific point all within 10 minutes of each other. That's monumental. I think the event is actually listed as one of the signs of the last days. I would do some repenting if I were all of you... or sinning. Whatever is on your agenda.

So, we all meet at the entrance to the state fair. I found a spot near the middle of the herd, Katie's whip has a harder time finding you in that area. Mandy's brother Seth was on one side of me and Mandy's sister Melanie was on the other side. We hadn't made it too far in maybe 200 feet or so, so my mullet count was only in the low hundreds when I notice Melanie off to my right stand straight up like she was in roll call for inspection by the General. Her nostrils flared slightly as she sampled the air with a few quick whiffs, and then her head began rotating on a scan like it was a radar tower. She mumbled "David?" as her head rotated to the 7 o'clock position "David...Archuleta?" she said quietly. Then she blurted out "DAVID ARCHULETA! HEY GUYS! IT'S DAVID ARCHULETA!" I glanced over and saw someone walking briskly with their head down, darting in and out of the crowds. I laughed. If Melanie is anything like her sister, my wife then this was definitely NOT David. I scoffed at her. "That's not Dave!" I can't keep track of how many times I have heard Mandy say "Hey look! It's Michael Jordan!!!" and I said something like "Mandy, that is a fat, mid-aged white guy with a Laker's jersey on" and she says "Oh..." By the time I had issued my pessimism to Melanie she had already sprinted ahead about 30 feet through the crowd and was coming up fast on who she thought was David Archuleta. My brother-in-law Seth leaned into me in disgust and offered "You know, it's jackasses like Melanie that make celebrity's lives so miserable." I watched waiting for the uncomfortable moment when Melanie would get this poor fellow's attention and realize it wasn't who she thought it was. Well, turns out she was right. It was David. David was polite enough, but he was very nervous about creating a scene, excused himself and continued his brisk walk. I am sure he just wanted to get in there, get a look at the 2 ton Jersey bull named "red" pick up a blanket from one of the booths there with a picture of a wolf howling at the moon and get out of there.

Then Katie tells Melanie "remember that time we saw David's cousin?" Now they had my attention "You saw his cousin? How did you know it was his cousin?" She said "Because he told me he was his cousin. I asked him 'Are you related to David Archuleta?' and he said he was, that he was David's cousin"

I am baffled. Can they just like, smell the fame in the air. I wonder if they have ever walked up to someone and said "You smell like you are famous. How should I know you?"

I made sure to tell Melanie that I thought she was a geek. But what I was secretly wondering was if this was some sort of sixth sense. Could the paparazzi follow behind her in LA and have her point out celebrities darting in and out of crowds and store displays. Like some sort of celebrity blood hound. Celebrities like Nick Joaquin Phoenix would be muttering "Damn! I even dressed like a homeless vagrant so no one would recognize me! But she sniffed right through my disguise!" and someone who overheard him might say "I knew you were Joaquin, but I didn't know that you weren't a homeless vagrant?!" Still, I am sure it his hard to find work for a turtle cat, that is distracted by shiny things, no matter how good their celebrity sniffer is.