General retail outlet observations

Last week Mandy got a fix-it ticket in our car. A head light and a tail light were out, and truth be told, because it was just her and Shelby in the car, they were probably listening to Hannah Montana and swerving to the beat. Because she was at her mother's house running her day care, while her mom was on a Twilight (the movie) Pilgrimage to Washington. I had to fix it last Saturday at her mom's house so that she could have the ticked waived.

I propped open the hood and stared helplessly. No tools. K-mart was the closest thing I could think of that would have tools. Off I went in a quest for a 10mm socket and ratchet.

I pulled into the parking lot and wondered if I hadn't made the wrong turn into Chernobyl. a lone tumble weed bounded merrily end over end across the parking lot. Checking the clock I found I was there at regular business hours... but I was the only one there at regular business hours. Apprehensively I stepped into the store. The lights were on. A soft elevator song played quietly overhead. A cashier was standing at her register. Leaning over, resting her arm on the counter and her head propped up on her arm. She slowly and lethargically wandered in and out of consciousness. The motion of the door alerted her senses. She stood up quickly, grabbed the phone and dialed in one swooping motion. Standing straight up and staring right at me with large eyes, she tried to whisper into the phone but was so excited I heard everything. "Sir! A customer! Yes, right now! He just came in now! Yes, I still remember the training! I gotta go I think he is actually coming in to shop!" I rounded an end display and turned to find a clerk dusting merchandise on the shelf. He did a double take and looked at me in horror. For a few seconds he stared at me as if he was expecting me to hurt him and then suddenly snapped into awareness "Welcome to K-mart" He blinked "Can I help you find something?" I breezed on by him "nope".

The manager appeared in a brisk walk before I entered the tool section. He had his head down and he was muttering "Please, please, please buy something!" He almost ran into me. Looking up he stopped and said "Good morning sir! Please buy something!... I mean, what can I help you find this glorious morning?" I said "No, I am fine." He continued to follow behind me as I gazed over their tools. I noticed that as I would reach out to something he would begin mumbling "Yes! Yes! Yes!" If I withdrew my hand he would continue to nervously chew on his fingernails. If I picked something up, he would say "Oh, that is a very lovely choice sir!" When I put it back he would spit out a chunk of fingernail and mutter "CURSES!" Finally I selected a 10 piece socket set and started walking towards the cash register. He jumped up and down and began clapping his hands exuberantly together. He picked up a walkie talkie from his hip and said "Look alive everyone! We got a paying customer here!"

I made my way to the cash register and the cashier asked me "Will that be credit or debit?" and flashed a smile to the manager as if she was anxious to prove that she had remembered and been rehearsing what to say. When I left I looked back in time to see the manager sniffing and cradling the receipt and a crowd of 4 or 5 employees celebrating. What's the deal with K-mart. Doesn't anyone shop there anymore?

Yesterday we were shopping at Sam's club. Saturdays are sample days. I like to watch people. I like to observe my own actions. I noticed that when it comes time to take a sample a line usually forms. The person at the front of the line takes a sample, tastes it, raises their eyebrows, shakes their head in approval and says "Mmmm! This is good!" Like the person giving the sample cares. Like they aren't just there to collect a pay check and dole out tiny samples of food that we have all had. Whether you have had the the sample or not, it is the rule that you have to gingerly pick it up and look at it briefly in wonderment, like you are unsure what to do with it. Then take a tiny bite offer up praise and then you are permitted to eat the rest of the sample. Because, I am sure we are aware if the sample person hears negative comments they will immediately fold up their table, toss their food in a cart and say "Well! If you don't like my food, then I'm going somewhere will they WILL like my food!"

After we sample, the sample person tells us how much the item is and where it is located. We all nod to each other like that is an insanely good deal and slowly we wonder off in that general direction like we fully intend on loading up several cart fulls of said product. Then when we feel the sample person isn't looking anymore, we say to people shopping with us, "GO!" and we duck down an aisle towards the next sample table.

Then there are the sample bombers. The people who sneak in while the sample person is explaining to the person at the front of the line that this product has no MSG and only has minimal amounts of horse meat. The sample bomber tip toes in hunched over and says "I'm just gonna..." and they reach out with their index finger raised, snatch a sample and shrink back into the crowds thereby circumventing the homage and proper respects one must pay to take a sample. One sample table ran out of samples and while a new batch was being cooked an impromptu line formed several rows back for samples. Everyone stood reverently and attentively like they were waiting to receive sacrament from their Priest.

In an earlier trip to Sam's I was making my way down the aisle to get some soap. I was trapped behind an elderly couple. They took turns, one pushing the cart, the other walking next to the cart while looking at EVERYTHING like their lives depended on it. I tried the usual tactics, trying to nudge my cart in, clearing my throat, saying "Excuse me!" They could not be persuaded. They were fully engulfed in their shopping experience. Then they parked their cart in the aisle and they both stood next to it blocking traffic in both directions and stood there staring at the vast array of metamucil, Centrum Silver or Depends... I don't know. By this time there were two people bunched up behind me and a lady coming the other way down the aisle who were all just standing there waiting for these people to move the Hell out of the way! The lady who was coming the other way and I exchanged looks of amazement, frustration, humor and uncertainty about the situation. We were both trying to nudge our way through and they were completely oblivious. Finally the old lady stepped down the aisle allowing a path between the old man and his cart that one could slip their cart between. the lady coming the opposite direction snuck her cart through and then I slipped through. I looked back and noticed the old man had stepped back and plugged up the lane again. Old or not, boo! to oblivious shoppers.

Also, if you want a really great website about our fellow shoppers, specifically those of The Walmarts, Check out http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/