Let's get out of here!

I am slumped, blurry eyed in front of the computer holding my stomach with one hand. I caught something that is making me feel a bit ill.

Mandy and I went to Houston over the weekend to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. We didn't know where to go. We tossed thousands of ideas around, and I insisted that we go somewhere new. We found a cheap 4 star hotel in Houston, so I booked the hotel, the flight and the car and we were off. So, if you are concerned that I might have the swine flu. Don't worry, I have done the math and statistically, I have more probability of a dyslexic albino with grape colored hair to come running out of the forest and chop my nose off with a 13th century samurai sword made by a guy named "Jon Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" whilst screaming "ooga chuga, ooga chuga, I got a feeling!..." and then run off again never to be seen or heard from again. So, I am fine. Really! I am fine. Besides that is not the reason I post.

Yesterday Mandy and I took the kids shopping to Maceys. We also decided to eat there. I can't think of anywhere where we can all eat for $8. After our meal we all got ice cream cones. We all ordered small cones. They are only 57 cents, so I was expecting a tiny cone with a small dab of ice cream on top. Instead, we all got these towering columns of dripping ice cream perched on a regular cone. They were all about 4 feet tall. When you pile that much ice cream on a cone, it instantly becomes an eating challenge. In order to preserve your hands from a heavy, sticky coating, you must maintain a constant vigil for rogue drips. I kept a heavy patrol around my ice cream and survived without any public humility.

I expected the kids to fare much worse. They did good. Walker finished his and Shelby got all of the way down to the cone when she handed it over to me and said "I am done" By this time the cone was soggy and had melted into the napkin wrapped around the cone, so that it was a single gooey form. I was feeling full and was not up to a new ice cream challenge. As The ice cream started to drip around the edges, I frantically searched around for a garbage can. Walker said "I'm going with dad." and followed behind me searching for a garbage. Finally we reached the front of the store. "AHA!" I thought "Bathrooms! They have garbages" By this time, the situation was dire, the structure of the cone was beginning to fail. It was caving in and toppling over. I thought "I must act quick!" and I darted into the bathroom. Before I entered, I turned around to open the door with my back. Walker looked at me and said "Uh, dad... What are you doing?" I didn't have time to explain "I just said "Bathroom has a garbage can!" and I disappeared in the bathroom. He stood outside in vigil.

I dropped the cone in the garbage can and washed my hands. As I stood there, I thought "Well, since I am here, I might as well use the bathroom" (are all of my blogs about peeing?) I turned around and inspected my choices "Hmm, no urinals. Well that is weird!" I chose the one on the end, closest to the door and began peeing. As I was standing there I noticed something else strange about the Macey's bathroom. They had small metal garbage cans attached to the stall walls.

Do you ever have a realization that aligns a series of strange events? I did. The metal garbage cans, the lack of urinals. Walker's horrified wonderment about what I was doing. I had gone into the women's restroom! "At least no one else is in here!" I thought. "If I can run out of here with no other bathroom attendees, there is no foul done." No sooner had the thought crossed my mind, then the door burst open and someone entered. I froze with my hand on the door latch of the stall. I waited. The person entered the stall next to me. No sooner did I hear the door stall close than I made an expedient exit, this being the best excuse I could ever think of for not washing my hands. Walker was still waiting. I said "Walker! I just went into the Women's bathroom!" He looked at me and laughed and said "I know! I was thinking 'does he even realize that he went in the wrong bathroom?' " Then he said "Oh man! You HAVE to blog about this one!" So, despite the repercussions of confessing to such a blunder, I offer this story for your entertainment. Enjoy!