I posted this story elsewhere and thought I would share it with you. I had originally stated that I had lost my eyelashes three times. Upon reflection, I have only lost my eyelashes twice, but lost hair on my head many more times.
In my defense I come by this tendency naturally. My own father has lost his eyelashes at least as many times. I was just imitating actions I have seen demonstrated for me. When I was very young my dad went hunting. He came home with a deer which he butchered at home in the garage on a long fold up table. the byproducts of butchering produces an entire garbage can full of scraps, bones and hide all of which maggots love to feed on. To his dismay, the garbage man refused to take a garbage can full of rotten carcass. He saw no solution other than purging the ecosystem by fire. He poured the bulk of the contents of a gas can into the garbage can, followed by a lit match which he quickly chased with the garbage can lid. Now, if you think about it, gas is really intended to be combusted, which creates compression, the energy of this compression is harnessed through a moving piston and transferred into the crankshaft which compels your car to move forward. It thrives in compressed environments.
My dad didn't thoroughly think this through as evidenced by his complete alarm when the garbage can lid disappeared from the top of the garbage can and proceeded in a trajectory several hundred feet in the air followed by a volcanic eruption of cinging, Hell derived, scorching flames, licking out in all directions like a thousand molten snakes. As an occupant of the garbage can lid launch pad and blast zone he was engulfed in the explosion which left him mostly unharmed with the exception of snatching away any exposed hair, a few micromilimeters of skin and any pride he might have had at the moment. as the fire died out and the smoke wafted a way, the lid came crashing down next to him signaling the completion of the performance. This is the example I was raised on. This is the genetic pool I derive from.
The first time I lost my eyelashes was in a strikingly similar experience. My parents were on vacation and I was left home alone. Being bored I started conducting science experiments. Being 10 years old, my scientific inquiry centered around fire. I began my experiments by trying to ignite small amounts of various liquids that I thought might be flammable. things like spray paint, rubbing alcohol, and brake fluid. I found a can of "Deep Woods Off" insect repellent. The can brandished a strong warning about the dangers of exposing it to flame. Since Danger and flame were what I was testing, I sprayed some in the garbage can, leaned over the garbage can and dropped my match in.
I don't know what would happen if someone were to stand behind a jet engine when the afterburners are turned on, but I know it wouldn't be pretty and I am pretty sure I have a good idea what it would look like to the person standing behind the engine.
Flames shot straight up out of the garbage can in a column and transformed all of the hair on my head into tiny little, stinky nubs. The first thing that crossed my mind was "My mom is going to kill me!" Your first instinct is ALWAYS accurate.
The second time was just after I had replaced the transmission in my car. In process of removing my transmission, I had removed the distributor from my car. Whenever you remove your distributor, the timing gets thrown off and you have to find the "sweet spot". somewhere between top dead center and 6 degrees after TDC to get the car to start. After it starts then you can use a timing light to hone it in. The best way to find that spot is to slowly twist the distributor, while someone cranks the engine. listening to the engine sputter you can get a pretty good idea of how close or far you are. Kinda like play "hot or cold" with your engine timing. Once you get it close enough, the engine should start and then you are home free.
I assigned a friend of mine to sit in the driver's seat and do the cranking while I did the distributor twisting. In process of doing this I evidently found the point somewhere before TDC. the point where the spark plugs are firing at the exact moment the intake valves are opening igniting the fuel as it entered the chamber and also all of the fuel in the intake. As discussed before, when gas burns, it expands. This time being no exception. It expanded straight up and back out the carburetor. the flame that belched out of the carb curled up and shot along the underside of the hood. My head just happened to be resting against that same underside of the hood as I extended out trying to reach the distributor. Hearing the pop and seeing a giant fireball, my friend jumped out of the car and said "Sterling! Are you OK?" but as soon as he saw me he started laughing "Your... Ha! Ha! Your hair!... Ha! Ha! It's gone! Ha! Ha!... Your hair is ALL gone!!!! Ha! Ha!" Fire does not make a good hair dresser and hair can sometimes take a long time to grow.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Pyro
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Vegas the conclusion
I know... I know, you have all been waiting for the exciting conclusion to Vegas. So, we had walked past the bunny and saw more of Pete Rose and our feet. Off we headed down to see the rest of the shopping area. We stopped at FAO Schwarz (the big toy story featured in Big) and yes... they did have a giant piano that everyone gathered around as if waiting for Tom Hanks to come out of nowhere and start playing Chop sticks on. I am sure for the right price Pete Rose would have.
Then we headed down to the end of the shopping center where there is an animatronic show depicting the fall of Atlantis. The Vegas.com website states it best when it describes:
The story unfolds as King Atlas tries to determine which of his children will rule Atlantis. The siblings try to destroy each another, poisoning the kingdom with their greed. Finally, the gods decide to step in and settle the dispute, launching the Fall of Atlantis. A 20-foot winged beast appears from behind Atlas' throne and watches over the destruction as Atlantis is consumed by fire and then flooding water.
During the show I looked at Mandy and laughed. It was embarrassingly shoddy. The first thing I noticed was that the sound system was so echoey all I could hear was "Warwa wa wa wa woo way weh..." I thought Charlie Brown's parents were actually narrating. The next thing that stuck out to me, was the herky jerky motions of the robots... excuse me, animatronics. They were so erratic and abrupt they made C3PO look like a smooth moving Rico Suave. I also noted that King Atlantis' mouth was broken and did not move. From what I could gather from the herky jerky gestures and the "wer wa wa woo wa" was that this king had two kids and they were fighting over the city of Atlantis. One of the children had control over water or maybe ice... possibly both and she was threatening to make sure all of her brother's TV dinners were always frozen and never warm in the center and the son had power over fire and had a sword of fire that he frequently waved around and I think he threatened his sister that her popcorn would always be either unpopped or burnt to tiny puffs of charcoal. Their father... perhaps the king listened to them a while and finally grew irritated and yelled "That's it! I've had it up to my crown with this squabbling! I am sinking this place and retiring in Fort Lauderdale!" and so he sunk it and bought a nice condo with the insurance settlement. For some reason there was a giant pterodactyl behind him. For his sake, I hope it wasn't his wife, because the communication barrier in that relationship would be a monster. As King Atlantis I am sure he was always "War wa wa woo way wooweh!" and she was always "Screeeeeecchhhhh! Crrrrrrraaaaaaaawwwwwwww!"
The other hokey part about the "animatronic marvel" was that the robot for the guy with the sword of fire... his hair/wig thing was all cinged. It sort of set the cherry on top of the whole ball of cheesiness. I seriously think the animatronic show at Chuck E cheeses is better coordinated. But, as one of my friends reminded me... It's free!
After seeing the animatronic marvel we were growing weary from not eating in the past 30-45 minutes... so we all lethargically staggered down the strip and put our famished selves in line for one Hell of a good buffet at the Paris. (After a short jaunt over to the venetian) More on that after this little tangent. Vegas is a strange place for many reasons one of which... the people standing on the strip shoving, snapping, waving cards in your face for call girls, or whatever they are. I found that by completely ignoring them, they pretty much left you alone. Vegas is a strange place because they allow this to go on all of the time. Now here me out on this. I am sure the litter problem from these people is a huge problem. Maybe Vegas doesn't care OK fine. But, I have thought about taking my family to the mirage and eating at the Carnegie Deli, but I am sure I am not alone in being very apprehensive in exposing my children to that, because I am sure one of them will try to pick one up, I will have to stop them and then comes the questions I don't really want to answer "Why is that lady naked? Why are they passing out cards? What are they for? Who is Pete Rose?" and so I probably won't take my family to Vegas which is a loss of revenue for them. So, maybe Vegas isn't Disneyland and maybe it isn't a place to take a family anyway. But I thought about the opposite end of the spectrum. I wondered what would happen if there was a preacher standing with them snapping pamphlets and handing out tracts. I can only imagine the public outcry and the huffing and puffing that would occur around such an event. Not that I want to see either one of them standing out there passing me literature. It just solidified the concept of how surrealistic Vegas is.
Back down to the Paris Casino we went to Le village buffet. The buffet has different themed stations. I think there were five in all. dessert station with creme brullee (I am sure I will slaughter most of these spellings) tiramasu, pecan cookies, cheesecake, pecan pie, peach pie, flan, and chocolate chip cookies. the salad bar had salads, crab legs, several types of cheeses I had never tried before, rolls and breads. The grill station had chicken, beef, lamb, grilled mushrooms and even grilled egg plant. There was a crepe station where each crepe was made to order and they had salmon that was great some pesto pasta steamed mussels and soups and prime rib and shrimp that I was too full to even try. The atmosphere was set up like you were sitting in the streets of an old town Parisian village. I kept expecting someone to step out on one of the faux balconies and start dusting a rug. My pants now fit a bit more snug thanks to that place.
That night a few of us went back down to the casinos on Fremont street, watched the light display and lost our money. Leaving we found we had parked in a parking lot that was only validated by a bar. My niece strolled into the bar, told them a bald faced lie that she had eaten there and forgot to have her parking validated and then we went home. In single night Vegas turned us into a pack of gambling, over indulging, lying, cheating, bar going sinners. Oh let's be honest... Vegas didn't turn us into what we already were.
Sunday we lounged around on the red couch like frumpy royalty who get fanned by servants with palm fronds while being hand fed plump grapes. As my mind threaded in and out of consciousness I dreamt of Elvis wielding a fire sword who used it to grill us up some more pastrami sandwiches. I awoke and found my leftovers from Carnegie and cherished each succulent bite knowing that it could be a while before the Carnegie and I crossed paths. Not that I was planning on not coming back, I am simply a realist and understand that life picks up steam and pretty soon you are going clickity clack down the rails of life while the things that you enjoy go whizzing on by in flashes of brilliant color, barely distinguishable from the scenery, the smoke and the cinders lofting down around the fading objects behind.
Monday we made our final hurrah by enjoying $1.99 breakfast at Binions again (sorry, no one dressed in white jumpsuits just a guy that looked just like Dick Cheney eating alone at a table behind us) and then we were off to the airport and our Vegas vacation over, out of surreality and into reality.