I have a problem. A disconnect in my brain circuitry. Something that does not allow me to function as a normal human being. Something that tags me as abnormal in crowds. I have a speech problem. I don't talk slow or stutter... I just say and talk about dumb things. Imagine yourself at the top of a long and steep road. You are in a car, but a few controls are missing... well, two things are missing... that's all. Everything is there except a little pedal folks refer to as the "brake" pedal and the round thing in front of you called a "steering" wheel. Once you set the wheels going, you are not sure what is going to happen. You could coast to a stop safely a few miles down the road or you could violently veer off of the road, twisting and tumbling through the air in a giant ball of flames spinning out random parts of wreckage. It is usually the later for me.
It's not that I usually say something bad, it is that I usually don't reach the destination. I will describe it like this... In my brain there is a giant projection screen with ideas being constantly broadcast. There is a man in front of the screen managing content. We will refer to him as "El Capitan". He has a suit on and a laser pointer and he is barking commands at people telling them what to do. In the back of the room there is gentlemen. He is short and bald. He has a disheveled appearance about him and he scurries around dropping things and frantically looking for a pencil that is behind his ear. He has on thick glasses that force him to move his head back and forth instead of just moving his eyes. He has a serious organization problem. His job is to scamper in a frenzy into the nasal cavity and turn a big crank that runs my mouth. Next to the crank is a big funnel and he has to drop words in as he turns the crank. We will call this gentleman Smithy. Smithy hunches over in a chair usually mumbling to himself until El Capitan points at the screen and Tells Smithy to go say turn the crank and make the mouth say something about the topic on the screen. Smithy's eyes usually get big and he looks up frantically and says "OH MY!!!!" and then he fumbles around for a notebook and can't find his pencil to jot down notes. In a disarray he jumps up and staggers to his station muttering and patting his pockets as he looks for things.
There is one other person in this equation. His job is to sort through files and find words for Smithy to drop into the funnel. His name is Slacker. He takes great pleasure in watching Smithy flutter around lost. He casually sifts through file cabinets. Some of the cabinets are large some are small, some of them are brightly colored for emergencies, some of them are labeled. Some of them have large words bulging out of them. Some of them have a bunch of small words. To the average Joe there is little rhyme or reason to the organization system here. Slacker knows where most of the words are, but he is no hurry to find them. The more urgent the request the slower he moves. He is not secretive about the humor he finds in making everyone look bad. Sometimes he will give the words to Smithy reversed just to see him scramble and try to rearrange the words as he turns the crank and tries to feed words down the funnel. I have a dysfunctional system here. Once I start speaking a few things usually happen either Smithy can't find his notebook and forgets what we are talking about and so I come to a grinding halt mid thought trying to remember where we were going. Slacker gives Smithy the wrong words so that he can laugh at Smithy and Smithy gets so flustered he loses all of his rhythm or what usually happens when I am publicly speaking is that Slacker takes his time getting words, Smithy starts improvising by putting whatever he can find handy down the funnel, whether that is a bottle of water, a fuzzy, pink stuffed animal, an intern or his left shoe. What usually comes out is so disjointedly boring that El Capitan flops down in his big leather chair in horror as he watches the jumbled hodge podge spew out. The horror dissolves to boredom and then sleep. Smithy runs out of filler and gets tired and Slacker lights up a cigarette and lays down with his head propped up against a file cabinet and works on his smoke ring techniques. He smiles to himself as he imagines Smithy scurrying around mumbling "Oh My! OH GOLLY GOSH DARN MY!!" The whole operation goes sideways and I have no idea where I was going or how to get there. When El Capitan wakes up he sees a sea of blank stares lulled into complete submission of boredom staring back at me.
Luckily I have a different team that works on my words when I write and sometimes the results are better... but every once in a while Slacker walks into the file cabinet room and makes suggestions... just to see if he can get us twisted around a tree in heap of carnage. And that my dear reader, is my mental disability.
It's not that I usually say something bad, it is that I usually don't reach the destination. I will describe it like this... In my brain there is a giant projection screen with ideas being constantly broadcast. There is a man in front of the screen managing content. We will refer to him as "El Capitan". He has a suit on and a laser pointer and he is barking commands at people telling them what to do. In the back of the room there is gentlemen. He is short and bald. He has a disheveled appearance about him and he scurries around dropping things and frantically looking for a pencil that is behind his ear. He has on thick glasses that force him to move his head back and forth instead of just moving his eyes. He has a serious organization problem. His job is to scamper in a frenzy into the nasal cavity and turn a big crank that runs my mouth. Next to the crank is a big funnel and he has to drop words in as he turns the crank. We will call this gentleman Smithy. Smithy hunches over in a chair usually mumbling to himself until El Capitan points at the screen and Tells Smithy to go say turn the crank and make the mouth say something about the topic on the screen. Smithy's eyes usually get big and he looks up frantically and says "OH MY!!!!" and then he fumbles around for a notebook and can't find his pencil to jot down notes. In a disarray he jumps up and staggers to his station muttering and patting his pockets as he looks for things.
There is one other person in this equation. His job is to sort through files and find words for Smithy to drop into the funnel. His name is Slacker. He takes great pleasure in watching Smithy flutter around lost. He casually sifts through file cabinets. Some of the cabinets are large some are small, some of them are brightly colored for emergencies, some of them are labeled. Some of them have large words bulging out of them. Some of them have a bunch of small words. To the average Joe there is little rhyme or reason to the organization system here. Slacker knows where most of the words are, but he is no hurry to find them. The more urgent the request the slower he moves. He is not secretive about the humor he finds in making everyone look bad. Sometimes he will give the words to Smithy reversed just to see him scramble and try to rearrange the words as he turns the crank and tries to feed words down the funnel. I have a dysfunctional system here. Once I start speaking a few things usually happen either Smithy can't find his notebook and forgets what we are talking about and so I come to a grinding halt mid thought trying to remember where we were going. Slacker gives Smithy the wrong words so that he can laugh at Smithy and Smithy gets so flustered he loses all of his rhythm or what usually happens when I am publicly speaking is that Slacker takes his time getting words, Smithy starts improvising by putting whatever he can find handy down the funnel, whether that is a bottle of water, a fuzzy, pink stuffed animal, an intern or his left shoe. What usually comes out is so disjointedly boring that El Capitan flops down in his big leather chair in horror as he watches the jumbled hodge podge spew out. The horror dissolves to boredom and then sleep. Smithy runs out of filler and gets tired and Slacker lights up a cigarette and lays down with his head propped up against a file cabinet and works on his smoke ring techniques. He smiles to himself as he imagines Smithy scurrying around mumbling "Oh My! OH GOLLY GOSH DARN MY!!" The whole operation goes sideways and I have no idea where I was going or how to get there. When El Capitan wakes up he sees a sea of blank stares lulled into complete submission of boredom staring back at me.
Luckily I have a different team that works on my words when I write and sometimes the results are better... but every once in a while Slacker walks into the file cabinet room and makes suggestions... just to see if he can get us twisted around a tree in heap of carnage. And that my dear reader, is my mental disability.
2 comments:
...and to think, all this time I just assumed you were on crack! (my bad)
Wow you have a lot better equipment than my team. every time I need to look at something else I hear this really loud beep and then my team changes the slide
Post a Comment