Monday, July 21, 2008

The Great Breakfast Conspiracy


As promised earlier I have an ongoing series of disputes, related to one night of insomnia. I have been posting my ideas not really to further alienate myself from everyone as it may appear but to promote an ongoing dialogue. I tell you why I think you are silly and you comment back and tell me why I am silly. It all goes along with my previous post. Not much of a talker I prefer to watch people and listen to people's ideas. (It drives Mandy CrAzY!!!) I rarely agree entirely but most people have some valid points. Please comment away on our blog, you can rest assured the next sleepless night my mind will return to your comments and gnaw away on it like the ravenous werewolf it often is at night. So... with no further introduction I digress to my next topic, BREAKFAST!!!!


Every morning when Shelby wakes up, you can count on the first words out of her mouth are "I'm hungry. I want cereal" She takes after Mandy that way. Walker is a bit more like me. When I wake up my stomach is still curled up snug in a blanket of organs. He is sucking on his thumb and snoring. We have all learned that my stomach could digest a bucket of nails with little or no complaint. I even daftly challange him every month or so when my nephew Trevor and I go and purchase a plate of steaming hot tacos from a taco wagon in downtown Salt Lake. Never so much as a gurgle. I can almost count on one hand the times I have tossed my cookies. My stomach is a hearty trooper, rarely dropping a complaint in the suggestion box. But, heaven help the poor soul who wakes my stomach up when it's not ready! He screams and stomps and loads everything on the catapult and threatens to send last nights dinner back, after he sets fire to it. I detailed what happened when I woke him up with milk in a previous post.


There is a phrase that is often tossed around that goes "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day" Any nutritionist or so called health expert or physical trainer will tell you... "EAT BREAKFAST!!!" I may be a lone rock swaying in a torrential river of breakfast fanatics, but I'm standing here saying I don't buy it. The only way I can get my stomach to accept any breakfast is by bribing it. He has an affinity for sweets and fats. If I send down oneor both then there is no complaints... but instead of waking up and doing his job and digesting... he weerily pointsts to the squishy gut region and says "Put it over there... with the others, I will get to it some other time. Now LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm tired!" and he drifts back to sleep. I can actually physically see my gut grow bigger every itme I eat breakfast. If I ever had liposuction the doctor would not be sucking out fat, he would see breakfast sausages, pancakes loaded with butter and syrup, Rice Crispies mixed with so much sugar the milk has turned to a sweet sludge and maple bars.


At 10:30 everyday... I can set a clock on it and be no less than 2 seconds off, my stomach wakes up. When he does wake up he's ringing the bell and blasting the fog horn for some food. Unfortunately it is not very socially acceptable to eat at 10:30 in the morning. If I tell people I am going to eat a meal at 10:30 they will look at me like I just announced my intentions to soil my trousers. But, if I do find the occasion to eat at 10:30 the stomach tosses it on the coals and I am good until dinner... that's right, eat 2 times a day. I know that any nutritionists that might read this are gasping for air as they are choking on their celery stick and are at risk of spilling their unflavored, non-fat yogurt. But I think breakfast might not be the most important meal of the day... for me. For Shelby and Mandy it is. I don't need any more breakfast... I am already carrying 40 lbs. of breakfast around with me at all times.


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