Something I gotta vent before I eh-splode.

Have you ever had to be nice to someone, but you really just wanted to punch them in the throat, but you couldn't because you had never met them?

This is my story of such a time that happened to me today. I hope you enjoy.

I do a lot of buying and selling. For the most part I buy high and sell low. That way everyone, except me of course, is happy with their transaction. 

A few weeks ago I bought a phone for more than I should have paid for it and sold it for less than I should have. (Stick with what you know, right?)

Monday I get the following email from the buyer:

you need to send me something so I can send this back to you. it is still activated on another line. I will report you if this not get taken care of

If all of the whiny little turds in the world gathered together and elected a leader and spokesperson. This is the guy they would choose. I read the email and just marveled at how badly I wanted to physically harm him.His ability to use his communication so effectively for the cause of annoyance was almost superhuman. Who was he going to report me to again? What is wrong with the phone? I couldn't understand because my knuckles were popping and grinding from squeezing into such tight fists.

What I wanted to say was:

First of all What is wrong with the phone? Second of all, I don't need to send you anything. If you desire to return something, you pay for return shipping. Third, you are walking a fine line on the verge of extortion here. I should be the one reporting you.

What I said was:

Dear ____________,

I am sorry to hear there were issues with your purchase.
Please send your return(s) to:

You will receive a complete refund when the item is returned in it's condition that it was shipped to you in.

Thank you,

His response:

The phone I active on someone else's account that's what it said and yea I contacted Verizon about it.

I've read this line dozens of times. I'm still not 100% certain I know what it means. All I know is that if he reported me to the customer service rep that he talked to in India, my life is ruined!

I now more than my next breath of air, just wanted to have the phone back and not deal with this person any more. In an amazing act of charity, benevolence and uncontrollable urgency to end all interaction I issued a refund sufficient enough for him to return the phone to me USPS or UPS. His choice. Relieved I sat back in my chair and waited for the confirmation of the shipment. The next day I received this:

could you maybe call and see if they can deactivate it some how I still would like it but not if it does not work

Hey what's this? a correspondence that has some semblance of civility and maybe a hint of cordiality? My heart softened. Maybe he was inflicted from birth with an amazing resemblance to Gary Busey. Maybe he had an irrational fear of french fries. You just never know. I contacted the person I bought the phone from. The person I bought it from asked if I could get the MEID # so that he could call Verizon and see if he could straighten the whole thing out. I was grateful. Maybe this whole thing could be worked out after all and everyone could gallop through fields of clover aloft unicorns and there would be rainbows and leprechauns tossing gold coins and we would all be laughing because we were all so freaking deliriously happy. I send:

Will you do me a favor and give me the MEID # on the phone? If you go into "Settings", "General" and "About" it should list the MEID #. I am going to need that # to get that cleared up for you

Tonight he sends:

___________ meid this needs done ASAP I'm tired of waiting

Wow! I mean WOW!!! I just went from leprechauns and gold coins and fields of clover to dizzying heights of eyeball seering contempt in less time than it takes for a humming bird to fart.

I wanted to reply:

You ingrateful, fetid ball of hog fat. I haven't seen this much sense of entitlement since last week when I gave that guy who professed to be homeless man, all of my money and he gave me a look of complete disgust (Blog coming about that later). I am just going to tell myself that you are an absolute dope. Because my poor little heart can't bear to think that you are out there, trying to find your way through this big old world of ours and are an asshat and a dope. I just can't.

I sent the MEID # to the person I bought it the phone from. A few hours later he informed me that the MEID# I gave him was not ever activated under his name. I checked the MEID # with verizon's website, which tells me the phone is eligible to be activated. I no longer know which way is up. I don't know who is telling the truth. Sigh. What what what, oh what did I do to attract the burning gaze and festering attention of the King of the Whiny Turd Club?